Samstag, 1. September 2012

Vampire 101

This post is about one aspect of Twilight I hate. There are many more, ones that actually  have an impact on REAL life, a post on that will come later.

So. Vampires. They are powerful. Frightening. Sexy. They are predators.

Take a look at this picture with a selection of popular vampires over the 20th and 21st century.

Can you see  the one thing all these vampires have in common?
That's right, they have FANGS.

Meet Edward Cullen:

Do you, dear reader, find a difference between Edward in all his vampire glory and the vampires above?
That's right, Edward SPARKLES! In sunlight. He has no fangs.

 These three things tell us that Edward is not a real vampire.

In Sunlight? WTF? Sunlight kills vampires.
As non pretty as it is, this is what happens to vampires in the sun: they go up in smoke.
 Vampires are creatures of the night. They cannot, much to their frigging chagrin, walk in the sunlight. Many vampires long to walk in the sunlight, some succeed in it, but they have to go through major hassles to achieve that. Drinking fairy blood, getting a daylight ring from a powerful witch. Real vampires do not frolick around in the sun sparkling like a unicorn.

Why do real vampires have fangs? Because they are dangerous PREDATORS!

What do you think will be better in catching prey? A sparkling unicorn or a fanged velociraptor?

Granted, some vampires go veg, but even that deer might be hard to bite without fangs.
(this really is basic evolutionary logic)

That they are dangerous is one part of the immense sex appeal of vampires. Sparkling really ruins that dark, dangerous vibe for me.

I am aware vampires are not real and authors can alter the existing lore as they damn well please. And I am aware that Meyer is laughing all the way to the bank.

But how can she expect anyone to take a SPARKLING vampire seriously?
I'll tell you how: For many of the young Twilight fans, Edward is their first exposure to the vampire world. This became clear to me the other day when talking to a good friend of mine on Twitter. I have had the blessing of an early birth, so my first tryts with vampires were Buffy and Ann Rice (where, btw, it was made clear that stalking is a creepy, intrusive, disrespectful and aggressive act, not the ultimate romantic gesture). So young Twilight fans are not to blame, but they are to be pitied, for they do not know any better. And this pretty much is killing me. (Also, older Twilight fans do not have this excuse! :P)

I leave you with a quote of Damon Salvatore and rest my case:

“Why don’t you sparkle?”
“Because we’re in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.” 

P.S.  Vampire newbies being stronger than really old vampires makes no sense at all. Think about it.

1 Kommentar:

  1. I have two of the vampire imprinted image. This is performed by Lestat and Louis Tom Cruise by Brad Pitt.